A Reflection of Rebellion – Rebellious at Birth

By: Jovon Scott

Rebellion – resistance to any form of authority given to or engaged in rebellion. To be defiant or promote any cause of mutiny…

Raged, I was troubled and filled with a raged complex. My adolescence was had been constructed with the building blocks of anger, perplexity and rebellion. I understood nothing, but rebellion and that was the principle, that I lived by. It was the only language, that I felt was my ordinance and way of conversing. Rules is what creates order out of chaos and I was in no favor of being bound to any form of compliance. I felt that it was against my nature to be governed by any form of rule or law, that wasn’t facilitated by my own desire. I was steadfast in the mind frame of being my own principle and that was to be bound to nothing of compassionate structure. I was of that “fuck you” state of mind. I would often find myself at odds, when it came to the rational aspects of conjuring a decency of thought-in terms of the way I viewed others. I forced myself into a shell and I kept my mind trapped in the loops of the radical functions of the world I created within the corners of my thoughts. I was controlled by the environment that raised me. I became the things that I witnessed as a child. Raged by a rebellion that had existed for decades before my conception. The very world that I had been raised in was the cause of me being defiant and disconnected from he edited reality, that had been altered to control. To control the minds of those trapped within the corners of it’s pandemonium and carnage. I don’t believe that these things were all by chance or just a coincidence. It was an experience to be put on notice and shown to the world, that people or urban society had no place among the civilized, but they omitted the fact, that these conditions had been created by them. I watched my mother get the shit beat out of her all through my childhood and it never made sense to me, as to why she allowed her self to be treated as if she didn’t deserve better. She trapped herself in such a toxic situation, that it became the norm. Her desires had been blood, abuse, drugs, and ice to help with the swelling. So, growing up – watching these things as a kid made me irrational in terms of being isolated from perception. I wanted nothing to do with the liking of the world in which I had been raised. I was lost in the world of condemnation, under the thought of false control created by my own perception – of perception! I was in no favor of compliance nor being dictated by a rule or law. I wanted absolute freedom and the will to do as I saw fit. My moral compass had been guided into the direction of rebellion. I became transfixed within the cradle of my own mind. I had no real idea why I was so mad at the world, but I was. I had ran into so many hurdles and failed at clearing. I stopped trying to jump over them – instead, I started to just either go under them or around them. I was so angry at the world and the position I had been placed in, that it was driving me mad. My mother was addicted to crack cocaine and that was part of the reason I had no up bringing in terms of productivity. I wish I knew what was needed to help her and I wanted nothing, but for my mother to be happy. As a child you’re not equipped with the tools to deal with those kind of things. So I turned to what was displayed before me and started to act out those very learned behaviors. My father had a huge influence on my life as a child and the fact that he was seldom there was perplexing. Even more damaging in terms of the harm it had done to my psyche. It made me rebel and feel as if I wasn’t wanted. So, my behavioral history with rebellion started in my adolescence. I felt as if I was guarding my own well being by disconnecting myself from the world. I de-programmed my self from everybody, but a selected few. New that I’m older, I realize that a lot of my issues were internal. And it all starts with my father. In this very hour, what I’m sitting here typing this book, that anger still exist. There are things between the two of us that is still unresolved. His absence and the lack of teachings a father is to give a son is a void, he would never be able to correct not make up for. I’m 30 years of existing and I care not to have a relationship with him nor and understanding. As far as family – I don’t relate to such terms and the only family that I have would be my siblings, a aunt and a few that isn’t biological related. And I like it as it is. I;m in no need of a bunch of people being in my personal circle. Life can be anomaly, a puzzle filled with many pieces. Some pieces would fit and others wouldn’t. Prison has a way of opening your eyes to things that can be both heart breaking and necessary. It shows you who have genuine love for you and who just love you for moment that you’re there. Prison also taught me how to identify my issues and deal with them – effectively and not in the manner of being destructive. Hate is a powerful thing and it’ll drive you towards things, that you may not want to indulge in, but it’s apart of the rage fueled by hate. So, I try not to hate nor hold on to the things that entices it. Although, I have such a troubling past, I refuse to let that be the way my story ends. Now I’m in control and not being controlled by the elements of my surroundings. I’m rebelling against that forced nature I created within myself and living according to a more divine principle. My name is Jovon and this is my story…

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